Depression is rampant in this world, especially among young people (although I'm convinced the older people simply hide it better.) While it's an oversimplification to attribute this solely to a disconnect from our values, it's undeniable that understanding and aligning with our core values can lead to a richer, more fulfilling life.

We liveAnything in a crisis of meaning.

Many years ago, I found myself depressed and miserable. My life felt empty and without meaning; I did any drug I could get my hands on, I spent time with friends who only cared about getting high, and I had no hopes for the future. I felt utterly lost.

What I didn't realise at the time was that I had no meaning. Everything revolved around two things:

Anyhting that helped me do that is what I wanted. I feel ashamed to admit it, but I would even steal from my parents sometimes.

So, what changed?

It was during this challenging period that I stumbled upon self-development. The idea of aspiring towards a greater vision for myself began to reshape my worldview.

I began to look at things differently. No longer was everything about what would bring me the most pleasure, but what would bring me "higher". I began to change my diet radically, self-educate every day, change my mindset, meditate, etc.

But the transformative moment came when I deeply contemplated what I wanted from life. I began to look at what I valued most in life - what I wanted my life to be about.

When you start to live for something deeper than "cheap dopamine" and quick highs, you begin to feel a much deeper connection to life. Everything becomes more profound - you experience the depth of life. You look at everything differently; the world becomes vibrant and full of life. You begin to look into the eyes of other beings and see the life behind them, the intelligence of everything.

Your intrinsic values act as our compass, guiding us when external motivations wane. When our actions resonate with our heart's deepest values, the energy and commitment we bring to our endeavours is unparalleled. Burnout isn't a problem when the fuel for your heart’s fire is rocket fuel.

Throughout history, individuals who have left a mark on society have shared one unique trait: a profound understanding of what truly matters to them. Whether it be a sport, a burning question, or a change they wanted to see in the world, these people had a fire in their hearts.

Deep down, each of these people knew what was essential to them - driven by their values, they explored life with passion and pursued their goals even when it put them at risk.

I want to share my understanding of values - drawing from my personal experiences and insights from the therapeutic practice known as ACT, particularly from the book "Values in Therapy" by Jenna LeJeune and Jason B. Luoma.

A value is not so much a thing - it is a way of being. It is knowing what is important in your heart at every moment.

But most importantly, values are felt in the heart.

The heart has been proven to have a nervous system of its own. Containing about 40,000 neurons, the heart sends information of various feeling sensations to the brain.

In the book " A Change of Heart: A Memoir", Claire Sylvia documents the changes in her values triggered by a heart transplant. She suddenly starts craving foods she previously hated and after seeking out her donor’s family - she finds out it was a teenager who died in a motorcycle accident.

This is in line with what has long been intuitively known - that the heart does a lot more than simply pump blood. To connect with your deepest values, you must connect with your heart. There is no complicated method for this - just feel the sensations of your heart, really feel into it, and do it often.

While understanding values is key, it's equally important to identify 'value domains' - specific areas in your life where you enact a value. Often we are good at living in alignment with a value in one area of our life but not in another. For example, you may be an excellent listener when it comes to your friends - but you don't extend that trait to your family.

Many mistake a value domain for a value. People say health is a value of theirs; however, health could be a domain in which you value. You may compassionately value health by being a vegan. And/or you may competitively value health by seeking whatever gives you gains.

(Health could be a value, but to cause less confusion, I call the value "fitness" instead, i.e. maintaining fitness in )

An example of a value from my life is being considerate or "relating considerately". This means I value always taking the concerns, desires and needs of others into account. I can apply this value to many different "domains" such as politics, health, family, and intimate relations.

- In politics, I try to consider what would be best for the majority

- In health, I consume ethical food that involves minimal suffering

- I listen attentively to my family members and show interest in them

Usually, we are more closely aligned with our values in one domain than another. I am better at relating considerately with my partner than I am with my friends. It can be helpful to observe what domains we are aligned with our values in and what domains we aren't for the sake of comparison.

Contrary to popular belief, values aren't always warm and comforting emotions. In fact, they often intertwine with the most profound and challenging feelings we experience.

For example, values may be associated with the intense pain of grief you feel when you lose someone close to you. Because you must open your heart to be in alignment with your values, this is unavoidable. When you numb difficult emotions, you numb the pleasant and whole emotions that come with them.

A big reason why people fall out of alignment with their values is because they struggle with pain. The pain of loss or failure can be excruciating - it isn't hard to imagine why people close their hearts. But the pain of emptiness eats away at you in the long term; depression and loneliness are an epidemic in our world - because of this emotional suppression.

Two Types of Pain

In general, there are two types of pain - the pain from meaning and the pain from the absence of it.

The pain from meaning is the pain we feel when we are in alignment with our values. It is the pain of failing a new activity, the pain of losing someone we love, or the pain of anger when we see injustice. In short, this is a pain that has a sense of wholeness to it; it is a pain we feel with our hearts.

On the other hand, the pain from no meaning is the pain we feel when we are out of alignment with our values. It is a pain of emptiness when we have no purpose, the pain of loneliness when we don't let anyone into our hearts, or the pain of regret when we think of all the things we didn't do. To summarise, it is a pain that has a sense of dissociation to it; it is an empty pain.

Both pains are helpful; however, when we tune into pain, it directs us to what we care about. In my life, I have observed that I often feel the pain of anger when people act selfishly and don't consider the pain of others. When I listen to this emotion, I understand that I value compassion.

Understanding and tuning into your emotions is vital to navigating your values and pain. If this intrigues you, dive deeper with my article on connecting with your emotions.

It's worth pausing to reflect on the concept of 'goals’ - a term we often use without truly understanding its essence. Given the weight goals carry in our lives, why not delve a little deeper?

Goals are measurements of values.

At their core, goals are tangible representations of our intangible values. Take, for instance, the common goal to earn $10,000 per month. Digging deeper, isn't it really a pursuit of underlying values like:

Goals offer a tape measure, measuring how well you are living in alignment with your values. What is essential is not the goal but what the goal stands for. Goals are abstract - what is real and tangible is the quality of how you are living.

As mentioned earlier, values always happen now; at any moment, we can choose to align ourselves with values. Goals serve as a north star to help us align and understand our progress towards living our values.

A helpful metaphor to understand this concept is the direction and destination analogy. Values are the direction, and goals are the destination. You may be in Edinburgh and want to head to London, but along the way, you decide to change course and head to Bristol instead. You won't feel bad because although your plans have changed, you have still headed south (in the direction you want to travel).

In life's journey, flexibility matters. It's less about reaching a fixed endpoint and more about ensuring we're headed in the right direction.

The specific destination isn't as important as the direction we travel.

Every goal is a commitment, and the bigger the goal, the larger the commitment. If you don't have a lot of clarity - don't make big commitments (such as starting a new business).

When the path ahead of you is foggy - it's easy to get lost. If you set out for London and realise that your heart really yearns for Norway, you will have wasted a lot of time and energy. Such misdirection isn't just about lost time; it's about expended energy, resources, and, often, lost opportunities.

The key here is 'clarity.' Before any major endeavour—be it starting a new business or making a life-changing decision—ensure you're seeing as clearly as possible. It's the compass you'll need on this journey.

It is much more helpful to make smaller commitments at first to see if it is a direction that feels right. Of course, we can never be 100% certain we are doing the right thing, but we can absolutely find clarity.

Before moving on to how to find and align with our values, I want to make something clear.

Values aren't static.

Everything is in constant change; values are no different. So we can create a lovely list of values - but in a year, we change a lot, and we decide some things aren't essential to us. We also find that some things we didn't expect are actually highly significant to us. This is why it's important to reflect continually.

I am about to reveal the process of finding and nurturing your values. I would like to note that this is a non-linear process - I like to think of it more as a cycle; a cog that turns up the clarity perhaps. As we continue through this process, mental clouds disperse and it becomes clear what we should be doing with our time.

The only tool that you need to start is a journal. In this journal you will not only reflect on your life but plan it too.

The point of reflection is to help see the occurences in your life from a viewpoint of objectivity. Think of when a friend comes to you with a problem and you know the solution - it's obvious! But they can't see their life like you because they are so caught up in it.

When we take time to pause and reflect on our life - the patterns seem obvious. When I first started journaling my values I remember thinking "Of course this is what I want to do! How could I be so blind?" Such feelings are due to the lack of psychological flexibility - a concept I will cover soon. But for now, know journaling helps you to see your life in a more objective way.

The quest to understand oneself is both profound and challenging. Many people believe they know what they care about, while others are adrift, unsure of their values. Often, our perceived understanding is clouded by societal expectations and 'shoulds.' We're bombarded with messages about what we should want, aspire to, or become. These 'shoulds' can be misleading and divert us from our authentic selves.

We are often told, in outright and subtle ways, what should matter to us. The truth is that the world expects a lot from us - it expects us to be materially prosperous, beautiful, and hard-working. We are rewarded for these traits, and we reward others for these traits. It's not that these things are bad, just that we should only pursue them if they are our truth.

You can observe celebrities - they fulfil standards of beauty, wealth, and achievement that many aspire to. However, these celebrities often fall into hard drug addictions, depression, and anxiety.

Why?

Because they are disconnected from their true purpose - they have spent their lives living up to the wants of others.

I have decided against writing out every value identification exercise since it doesn't matter unless you do them. If you want to discover more meaning in your life, follow the exercises I take you through on my notion template.

I would like to note a few things about this process here, however.

Discovering values isn't a one-time revelation. It's an ongoing journey that may reveal many minor values along the way. The core values that resonate deeply with who we are take time, reflection, and often a conscious effort to uncover. This is where methods like journaling can be instrumental.

Journaling is more than just writing; it's a pathway to self-discovery. By reflecting on our experiences, thoughts, and emotions, we can spot patterns that point to our authentic values. It's a method to sift through the 'shoulds' and connect with what truly matters to us. If you wish to delve into this transformative practice, consider following the exercises provided in my Notion template.

Remember, this is a gradual process. It's not about rushing to labelling values but about a careful, thoughtful examination of what drives and fulfils us. Patience and consistent reflection is key.

Implementation is the crucial bridge between understanding our values and living them. It's the process of translating abstract concepts of what matters to us into tangible, achievable actions. This stage is transformative, turning insights into behaviours that reflect our deepest beliefs.

Imagine your values and goals as a mountain range. It's awe-inspiring but also intimidating. It is so easy to feel overwhelmed by big goals and feel as if we are falling behind. The key is to focus not on the distant peaks but on the small, manageable steps that lead us toward them.

Daily reflection on our values acts as a compass, guiding us through life's journey. This practice resonates with our subconscious mind. Simply the act of acknowledging values can do wonders for us. With this compass, our powerful subconscious will help bring ideas for new opportunities and value-based solutions to any problems we run into.

The goals we strive for must be well thought out and aligned with what is meaningful to us. A significant benefit of knowing our values is that we can pick goals that align with multiple strong values.

Having a strong why behind the goals you strive for is so powerful because that is how we find a burning motivation to accomplish them.

Take the example of someone who values freedom, compassion, and fitness. These values could lead to the creation of a business that educates people on healthy eating (reflecting fitness), operates ethically (compassion), and provides the entrepreneur independence (freedom). This combination of values creates a goal so compelling it inspires relentless dedication.

Clarity is powerful. When we know precisely what we stand for, our goals become beacons, illuminating our path and energizing our journey.

Change only ever takes place in the present moment. Our minds are usually stuck repeating the past over and over again; this is because "neurons that fire together, wire together."

It is helpful to think of your mind as an elaborate road network. We receive stimuli from the outside world, and our subconscious automatically deals with them by sending them on well-constructed highways. This is because it would require too much energy to consider every bit of data we receive consciously. This is great, but there is a cost to it.

Because the highways are so strong, it is hard to construct new roads (change how we react to the world). It requires a lot of conscious will to take the stimuli that would typically be sent on the highway to one place and redirect it to a new gravel path.

In order to accomplish this, we need psychological flexibility. This is a concept from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy; it looks in detail at what we need to do in order to change our behaviour.

Each axis represents a crucial aspect of developing psychological flexibility. I will now go over how each aspect can be developed further.

1. Disidentification - This refers to the act of distancing ourselves from our thoughts. The problem isn't necessarily with the thoughts but our identification with thoughts. When you have a thought that says, "I am unlovable" the problem is that thought arises as reality - we see through the eyes of that thought.

In order to combat this, we have to

1. Become mindful of the thought - see the thought as it is - just a thought! Practice this by labelling thoughts as they arise; watch a thought come and label it mentally.

"I hate my boss" - "thought."

"Wow, I haven't had a thought in a while" - "thought."

"This is kinda boring" - "thought."

This way, we see thoughts as just the perspectives they are

2. Become compassionate of the thought - usually, hateful thoughts come from a place of hurt within us. This is what people might call the "inner child". Just know these thoughts are trying to protect you. Be loving and accept the thoughts validity and good intentions. This really helps in transcending destructive thoughts.

2. Willing Acceptance - This refers to an attitude of "whatever comes up, I am willing to face it".

When we start to take action on our values - particularly with goals we may have been putting off, intense negative emotions may surface.

We must do the same thing that we do with difficult thoughts - become mindful of them and have compassion for them. A great technique to do this is body scanning - body scanning simply helps us feel a sensation for what it is.

3. Finding the I - This is a recognition of the "observing-self" - the true self. Throughout our lives, we get tied up in identification with various aspects of our experience. We believe we are our thoughts, feelings, bodies and material possessions. But there is an aspect of ourselves that doesn't change; we can call this pure awareness or the "I" that never judges.

To develop this axis, we need to develop a deeper relation with this aspect of our being.

You can connect with this right now. Close your eyes and ask yourself, "What is it that never changes?" Observe how every aspect of our experience changes but this fact that we are observing never changes. This can be a profoundly deep meditation - if you are interested in learning more, look into self-inquiry.

4. Presence - This is to reframe our experience from thinking about the conceptual past and future towards being "here and now". We can get lost in worries about possible failures or regrets to do with our values. This practice ensures we don't get too lost

In practice, these four aspects can be increased simultaneously with any mindful practice. I suggest taking one of the suggestions that resonated with you most as a daily practice and roll with it. This framework is mainly to help understand some of the issues that may arise when aligning with your values.

Since values take a long time to discover, you must commit to reflection over a long period of time. This is a continuous cycle of searching; you are looking to really integrate values into your lives and ingrain them into the subconscious.

I will assume that you have taken some time to discover a list of potential top three values. You will keep track of these every day and use them as a compass for the direction of your days ahead.

It is hugely beneficial to zoom out to get a big picture of your day, week, month, quarter, year, and lifetime. You will spot patterns quickly, and any changes will become easy to implement. The most effective way I know to do this is through a committed journaling practice.

I have also created a free notion template for this; feel free to use it or integrate it into your own journaling system however you, please.

The top three benefits of this system are:

As time goes on, you will get more into the flow of using this system. You may forget to implement what you wrote in the morning - this is fine; new habits take time to integrate.

Let’s get an overview of the system.

Daily Planning

Every morning you will ask yourself these four questions:

You will answer each question first with intuition - write whatever answers come to you immediately. Then you will answer with more profound thought.

The benefit of answering questions in this way is that you harness both your intuitive mind and rational mind - I am a firm believer that both have a unique value.

It is crucial to keep in mind that when answering these questions, you write something practical, definite, literal, specific, and straightforward. It shouldn't be up for debate by the end of the day if you accomplished what you set out to do!

Here is an example of a good and a bad answer:

"I will try to be kinder" - rubbish! When? Where? How? With whom? What does "kinder" even mean? Don't try - be confident!

"When I pick my daughter up from school, I will show genuine interest when asking about her day by listening with focus and asking thoughtful questions." - much better. Specific, clear, and measurable.

Make sure each task has a balance of achievability and challenge - challenge helps with motivation, but too much of it will make the task hard to accomplish.

Daily Reflection

At the end of the day, reflect on these four questions in the same way:

The evening reflections help with keeping you accountable. They also help you understand whether a certain value is significant through analysis of how it made you feel.

Weekly Planning

Every Monday, ask the following five questions:

Feel free to do this at whatever point during the day - it doesn't have to be the morning if you are pressed for time. The same rules apply to these questions as to the last.

The general theme is that as the reflections cover longer and longer periods of time, they become more "meta". They begin to question the values and goals we have picked. We need to check in to see if we feel like we are going in the right direction.

I am cautious of boring my readers by repeating information, so I won’t write any more as you get the point. If you want to see my complete list of questions - please visit my notion template.

It is important to remember this is an exploration. We are testing the waters with the intention of getting a feel for where we want to explore.

I have gone over a lot in this article, and it may seem overwhelming at first. This is why I created a notion template - so everything I teach here will be easy to implement. I guarantee that you will find great benefits from it!

I understand that aligning with our values and goals is an ongoing journey, not a destination. As you implement these reflections and planning sessions, remember that it's alright for your priorities and values to evolve. It's all part of the personal growth journey. I'd love to hear about your experiences with this method and any modifications you've made to your unique journey.

Summary of the main points:

Thank you for reading.

- Jarvis