No one else is more critical, abusive, and rude to you than your mind. Everyone in this world has experienced feelings of self-hatred, self-disgust, and shame. In fact, these feelings are not only normal but expected.

We think that anyone who isn't critical of themself is egotistical or narcissistic.

I remember my old boss telling me he hated one of our customers because "He doesn't criticize himself enough." This reflects a widespread idea in society that criticism necessarily means accountability and a lack of it means complacency. It's a pessimistic view of the world, we think people are only motivated by pain.

While there's no doubt pain can be motivating, there are many side effects we don't realize.

Self-criticism comes in multiple forms, for example, mental images that provoke feelings, explicit linguistic thoughts (non-abstract language like “I am ugly”), and more abstract, “hidden” thoughts. I will continue with examples of more explicit thoughts because it’s easier to make my point that way.

1. Low Self-Esteem

The first casualty of self-criticism is your self-esteem. The internal narrative that we aren't good enough eventually diminishes our self-worth, leading to issues with anxiety and depression.

In other words, telling yourself “I am not worth it.” 1000 times over, eventually makes you feel as if you are not worth it. The thought becomes an accurate description of reality to you; the thought becomes a belief.

2. Difficult Relationships

As our insecurities fester, we begin to see the parts of ourselves that we reject in others; we project our insecurities outward. Criticizing others more leads to disconnection from others and feelings of loneliness.

We can also become highly sensitive to criticism because their criticism resonates with a part of ourselves that agrees with them. We've fed this part of ourselves so much, that criticism from others becomes deeply personal rather than helpful feedback.

3. Disconnection from Our Strengths and Values

As we focus more on our inadequacies, we lose sight of what we are good at, we can't play to our strengths.

For example, you may focus on your inability to play sports well and neglect your passion and gift for mathematics and problem-solving.

4. Stress and Health problems

Persistent stress from self-criticism can lead to health issues. Many of the leading causes of death are auto-immune issues which are often caused by chronic stress. Constant stress takes a heavy toll on our bodies.

5. Perpetuation of a Negative Cycle

The more we criticize ourselves, the more we live up to these criticisms. We ignore opportunities to engage in constructive behaviors and the negative cycle only gets faster.

6. Inspires Avoidant Action

As these self-critical thoughts and feelings are painful, we often seek out comfort through avoiding situations in which they may surface. Say we have social anxiety, we will avoid social invites in fear of the feelings social situations will bring up.

So, now you can see the issues that arise from this tactic of motivation, it doesn't seem so effective does it?

"So am I just supposed to accept my shortcomings and be soft on myself?" You may be thinking.

Of course not, I am not suggesting just resign to any flaws you may have, lay down, and take it. Nor am I suggesting to wallow in self-pity. And I am certainly not suggesting to have no discipline. There is a place for criticism.

But there is a middle way, a way that does not suppress criticism or gentle kindness. This is compassion.

Self-compassion is a radical new approach for many people. For many, it's hard to understand how we can even be kind to ourselves while maintaining discipline. There's a growing rejection of many self-positivity movements for this reason, people think kindness and criticism cannot co-exist.

1. It Is the Only Position from Which Effective Change Is Possible

When you indulge in self-pity, you see yourself as a victim of life.

When you indulge in self-hatred, you start to make yourself think that you can't change; you feel that your past mistakes define you.

When you come from the position of self-compassion, you allow space for the pain of past failures to heal; you allow space for whatever emotion may show up. With this space, new behaviors can appear; change can appear!

2. Avoid burnout

Many sports coaches adopt a 'tough love' approach, pushing their athletes hard to improve performance. In the short-term, this can be motivating, but in the long-term, players suffer from burnout as constant pressure and negative motivation take a toll on players. When you are constantly being reminded of your flaws, you begin to believe you can't do it.

Phil Jackson, an NBA Coach who has won numerous NBA titles often emphasizes the importance of a balanced approach to coaching.

3. Become Kinder to Others

Do you remember how the flight safety instructions go? "Always put your mask on before trying to help anyone else." You can't be a force for compassion and love in this world if you don't first show this to yourself.

What is Compassion

Put simply, compassion is about caring for the suffering of others, or in the case of self-compassion, yourself. Caring in the sense of wanting to reduce or eliminate it effectively.

Most people misunderstand compassion, they might think it means being soft, touchy, or sensitive. Truthfully, compassion doesn’t necessarily mean that at all. Compassion can be brutal and tough, this is because compassion isn’t about what you want; it’s about what you need. Sometimes, we need to face difficulty before conditions improve.

There are three pillars to the mindset of compassion:

Each of these pillars is linked with one another, in the absence of one, the others will diminish.

Compassion means a concern for suffering, therefore, to have compassion, we must understand the underlying suffering behind our actions and the thoughts in our mind.

Criticism is just your mind looking out for you, your mind wants to alert you to places where you are falling short. A long time ago, if you didn't fit into your tribe, you'd be kicked out of the tribe, and if you were kicked out, you would die. Therefore, it is a matter of life and death; it’s a matter of survival, your body and mind’s number one priority. Your mind emphasizes the importance of criticizing yourself before anyone else does.

It's essential to realize the protective nature of this mechanism because we need to understand the intention of thoughts to react effectively.

You have to learn to become levelheaded; you have to become a mediator of the perspectives in your mind.

Think of how a good parent reacts to their children arguing. They listen to each child express themself and let them explain their story, they recognize that the perspective of each child is valid in some ways and invalid in others.

Now, extend this metaphor to your mind, think of these thoughts in your mind as little children. You listen to them because you recognize the validity of their perspective, but you also recognize that it isn’t the whole truth so you don’t take it too seriously.

Self-critical thoughts happen a lot when we become teenagers. I remember when I was 14, I didn’t feel like I belonged with the friends I had, I felt like I couldn’t relate. My mind would constantly tell me things like, “You don’t belong.” And I bought into these thoughts.

The more I bought into the thoughts, the more I felt as if I truly didn’t belong. I didn’t listen to any more reasonable thoughts saying, “Maybe you just haven’t found your people yet.” Why? Because at this age, nothing matters more than fitting in and the power of self-criticism is so strong because we feel as if fitting in is life or death.

I tried a lot of tactics to attempt to fit in better. I tried being quiet, I tried projecting confidence, and I tried getting into the things that other kids were into. Of course, none of this worked because it stemmed from a place of insecurity; it stemmed from the idea that being authentic was insufficient.

However, as I got older, I began to develop more compassion for myself. I recognized that these self-critical thoughts weren’t the whole story, I saw the suffering behind these thoughts, and I saw my longing to feel a sense of belonging.

Because I could understand these thoughts, they didn’t hook me in as they did when I was younger. When thoughts don’t hook you in, they lose their power over you and you can act from a place of authenticity and practicality.

How to understand?

Understanding is all about asking the right questions. We have to get to the root of a thought/feeling.

In my case, I began to wonder why I had the thought “I don’t belong.” It led me to realize I was trying to discipline myself, I was trying to make myself belong by being harsh on myself.

Another common thought I and many others have been sucked into is “I am incompetent.” Perhaps you have this thought after a silly mistake if you ask “Why is this thought so compelling?” You can begin to understand the underlying pain, perhaps it’s the pain of not being competent, the fear of not improving, or the fear of being judged. It varies within each person, that’s why you have to find this out on your own.

Of course, we can’t be understanding if we don’t know what we are understanding, this is where the next pillar, acceptance connects.

Compassion requires us to embrace reality, even when it's uncomfortable. Willing acceptance means an acknowledgment of what is, without any illusion or denial. Often we sugarcoat the truth because facing it can seem overwhelming, This is understandable, but it leads to a lot of problems down the line.

Hiding only keeps us living out the same old patterns, leading to more pain, which leads to more avoidance. Avoidance creates a cycle of despair.

Self-compassion means wanting what is best for you, you cannot want what is best for you if you do not know what is best for you. You cannot know what is best for you if you hide from the truth of the situation.

People usually struggle to accept the negative thoughts and feelings that come up in response to a challenging event. We use several strategies to avoid these feelings:

Once in the past, I was having some issues with a girl that I liked, the trouble was she was more interested in another guy. I knew that I had to stop speaking to her, but I couldn't bring myself to. I was clinging to the false hope that I could somehow kindle a relationship.

I would often have feelings of being unlovable, alongside thoughts telling me something along the lines of "You'll never be loved."

Instead of facing the situation, feeling what needed to be felt, and doing what I needed to do, I indefinitely delayed any action by playing games and smoking weed.

All of that only made it harder when the day eventually came when she took action and cut things off. Reality came crashing down into me and I couldn't run anymore.

I should've faced it sooner, all I managed to do was waste time.

How to nurture awareness?

Learning to face difficult thoughts and feelings isn’t natural; it takes a lot of courage. To find this courage, we have to contact something deeper, we need to know that it’s worth it to listen to these thoughts and feelings.

This is where willingness comes in. There are many times when we are forced to accept things, usually because we have no control or feel as if we have none. In this sense, we resign to the conditions of life.

People often mistake willing acceptance for resignation, they believe acceptance necessarily means giving up on change. Many people do believe they have transcended their life circumstances through acceptance, however, this is often nothing more than a denial that they want to change.

Willingness, on the other hand, is different because when we willingly face difficulty in pursuit of something more meaningful, it becomes easier and more compelling. While it’s still challenging, it’s not overwhelming so turning away doesn’t seem so compelling.

What is that higher reason for you? Whether it be to feel life more fully or to be a better person for others, finding it out will make this process seem worth it, even when it gets hard.

With a willingness to face your inner world and sufficient understanding of the suffering, the next step is to take action. If you have genuine compassion for someone (or yourself in this case) you will want the best for them, you will have to make change for the greater good.

Once you've given the situation (and your thoughts and feelings about it) some space to breathe, the next step is to find a way forward. Too often, discussion of self-compassions leaves this aspect untouched, but it is the most important part. What you do makes you who you are more than what you say and think.

You need to start to ask yourself questions like:

These questions should start to get you moving forward.

Practicality is important in self-compassion because it accomplishes what the critical mind sets out to do. Once you have genuinely satisfied the need for improvement, the self-critical voice won't appear so much (or it will make much less of a valid point).

I’ll illustrate how self-compassion can be practical with an example from my own life:

I have been known to be very forgetful in the past. I’ve forgotten big events in the lives of people I’m close to like birthdays, anniversaries, or big trips. This has got me into a lot of trouble. People began to think I didn’t care about them and this made me feel inadequate.

Once, I forgot a close friend’s birthday and I could tell that it was upsetting for him. I failed my duty as a friend and it made me feel utterly useless.

I defended myself in my head, “It’s because I am just forgetful.” “I can’t control what I remember.” But this didn’t change the truth that I was hurting people through this forgetfulness.

Eventually, I decided to take more action. I decided to note important events on a calendar, I began to emphasize the importance of these relationships and maintaining them more. I am still not perfect, but I am improving.

This illustrates how taking action is the most important component of self-compassion. This is important because many think that self-compassion means defending yourself through justification. It doesn’t matter who’s right and who’s wrong or whether or not it’s technically your fault.

Be Practical

On the other hand, there are times when the criticisms we inflict on ourselves aren't valid.

When I worked in a coffee shop, I would constantly berate myself for small mistakes in orders, forgetting to get people's food, or dropping things. I would feel useless after these mistakes, I'd think "What is wrong with me?!" or "Can't I do anything right?!"

Often, these mistakes are just a part of learning or can be attributed to factors out of our control. That's why understanding is so important, find out if the self-criticism is even warranted.

In cases like these, it is most practical to just let go once you see the futility of blaming yourself.

While understanding the different aspects of self-compassion is important, it can be difficult to remember all of this when it comes to a moment when we are suffering. Old patterns re-emerge and suck us back in easily, so it’s best to have a protocol for these times.

This section will be all about how to cultivate a compassionate frame of mind, this will help every pillar of self-compassion become natural and easy for you.

Since self-compassion is such a radically new response to suffering, this can all feel very unnatural at first. It helps to imagine you are dealing with a best friend or close family member; imagine they were coming to you with an issue they were having, and treat yourself like you would treat them—all of this will become a lot more intuitive.

Acting compassionately also means taking practical steps to create more fundamental, long-term changes. Consider taking on more profound introspective work through journaling to find direction or clarity in what you want to accomplish in life. I highly suggest finding your values, this helps with finding a purpose which will give you reasons to face challenges and make difficult changes.

What counts as self-compassionate action varies from case to case, Do what makes sense for you, just make sure you are not partaking in any avoidance strategies.

Sometimes, being compassionate means taking on professional help. If you think you have suffered severe trauma or you have deeper problems, please consider looking for some kind of professional help.

To conclude, there are infinite ways to practice self-compassion, as long as it is routed in the three pillars of compassion: understanding, willing acceptance, and practicality. Taking steps to be more compassionate will open up a larger world of possibilities and hope for the future.

In summary, we have touched on:

Please let me know what you think :)

Thanks for reading.

- Jarvis